I am strong

I am strong...

I follow a site called birth without fear on facebook and they have a lot of posts where women talk about how.they were strong through their circumstances of pregnancy and birth. I decided to write mine.

This is baby #3 for me.  That alone might have been reason enough to say I am strong, that I decided to have a third.

• I am strong because we had our son even during an economic downturn of our life.
• I am strong because on top of morning sickness, my one year old and I had stomach bugs every 4 to 8 weeks during this pregnancy
• I am strong because my nausea did not go away, but I took care of my two other children and, eventually, my job.
• I am strong because at 5 months pregnant I took a full time job to help support my family financially
• I am strong because I found out I had gestational diabetes and was able to manage it by diet alone.
• I am strong because my epidural did not work and I somehow found the strength (and support...thanks honey!) To give birth to our son.
• I am strong because when he was three days old I took my son and two other children 2 hours away to see grandma who was in the final stages of osteosarcoma
• I am strong because I went back to work part time after 8 days, because my job which is still probationary would not cover benefits under FMLA if I took maternity leave.
• I am strong because in another week I will go back full time.

I am so very lucky for my three children who inspire me and challenge me every day!

See ya 2013

This is a hard year to look back on and find many highlights, but I'm sure as I do it a few more will come to mind!

• Bill started a job in Toxicology in early January.  It wasn't the best job ever (no benefits, no time off) but it was a job and it kept us floating for most of this year.  It was technically temporary and they let all their temps go in October, so he is back to the job search.  It's not easy for him.  
• Feburary my Grandparents help pay for me to fly to my other Grandparents in Idaho after my Grandfather is put in the hospital after a heart attack.  Amazing weekend being with my mom and her family.  Plenty of drama, but very glad I went, as it was my last visit. 
• March, on the way home from our neices birthday party, I'm feeling nauseated which prompts me to take a pregnancy test in which we discover we are expecting number 3!
• I decide to enlist a friend and actually start trying to sell some crochet stuff.  It was really fun to contemplate and start although hard to generate business.  My friend is the one who has some real talent for crochet and runs this business on her own now (for reasons that will make sense shortly).   You can find her on Facebook.  Sometimes things you do end up not being for you.  Wanting to start this was one of those things in my life.
• Bill works away on his new armor made with metal scales.  It's really cool!  
• June, Memaw passed away.  She is missed by many. (my step moms mother)
• After returning from a visit to Bills grandmothers (we went with his parents, his mom is such a trooper traveling) I get called for an interview at Eastern.  I had applied for my former bosses job (she retired) and I interviewed for it on our anniversary.  I started that job mid August and am still plugging away at it.
• Speaking of, we celebrate our 10th anniversary!  
• Miriam starts kindergarden and transitions beautifully.  She loves to go to school.
• I have gestational diabetes.  It seems to explain, at least in part, why I often feel sick even later in pregnancy.  It's managed fine by diet.  
• October, my Grandpa passes away.  
• November we meet our little guy, Nathan!  He is super sweet.
•  I start back to work part time after 8 days.  Which is a long story that deserves more than a bullet point.
• We take Nathan to meet his Grandmother (Bills mom) when he is 3 days old.  Grandma had taken a turn for the worst.  She passed away about a week later, on Thanksgiving.
• A nice Christmas in the Tri Cities.  All Bills siblings were there and we had a great Christmas Eve at his sisters house.  My kids would spend every waking minute with their cousins if they could.

I am ready to leave this year behind.  There are a hundred things I could write in my post for 2014 but I am trying to come to grips that I am a working parent with a new baby.  2014 will probably be a lot of lost sleep.  I don't think that will stop me from writing a looking forward post...stay tuned.

My Day Old Child

We have had a lot going on.  Plus a new baby.  And two other kids.  I am tired.  So anyway, times like this it is hard to keep up with blogging.  But I wanted to share this poem!

My day old child lay in my arms,
With my lips against his ear.
I whispered strongly, "How I wish--
I wish that you could hear,

"I've a hundred wonderful things to say,
(a tiny cough and a nod),
hurry, hurry, hurry and grow
So I can tell you about God."

My day-old baby's mouth was still
And my words only tickled his ear,
But a kind of light passed through his eyes,
And I saw this thought appear:

"How I wish I had a voice and words,
I've a hundred things to say.
Before I forget, I'd tell you of God --
I left Him yesterday."
--Carol Lynn Pearson

Birth of Nathan, Recovery time

After I got home, I wished I had stayed an extra night in the hospital.  With Liam two days and nights was two long, but this time I was going home to two children and facing only a handful of days off of work.

That isn't to say our time in the hospital was all a breeze, because within a few hours of his birth we were both starting to have some small problems. 

I'm thinking it was about 4 good hours.  We felt pretty good, we'd moved to our recovery room (ringing the bells along the way), we were getting some snuggle time and had sent some pictures to our family.

One of the nurses heard Nathan breathing when she came in and said he sounded a little grunty.  They talked to us about having the NICU observe him a bit.  Also, they got a little concerned about how much I was bleeding so the doctor did an ultrasound to make sure there was no placenta left behind in my uterus (which there didn't seem to be, thank goodness) and she gave me some pills to make me cramp a bit more.  I wasn't happy about it, but they seemed to work and at least they were letting me have pain pills.   After birth cramps are painful.  Its too bad it can't be like my first birth!  I don't remember cramps at all!

I think it was around 8 that the NICU nurses came down to pick up Nathan.  They talked to us about the four hour observation window, after which they would decide if he should be admitted.  Toward the end of our visit with them I was starting to feel cold and shake.  Poor Bill didn't know who to stay with, but I told him to go upstairs.  While he went up to the NICU my nurses brought me a warm hospital gown and some warmed up blankets.  They were wonderful, but my whole body still could not get warm and I was shaking bad enough to shake the whole bed.

I tried to calm down, but it was hard.  I was frustrated about the cramping pills, and frustrated with my body freaking out.  As if I hadn't been through enough that day (on somewhere between 2-4 hours of sleep to boot)  I thought to myself.  Bill came back and sat with me until I was finally falling asleep and not really shaking anymore.  My room was warm, the pills I had taken (plus all the blankets) had given me a slight temperature.  Eventually I got really warm and started to sweat and I slowly removed some of my blankets.  I was afraid the chills would come back, but they didn't.

Someone from the NICU came down and told me that at the end of the 4 hour observation Nathan stopped grunting.  But it was at the very end, so they were a little unsure about sending him back quite yet.  We decided he would stay up there overnight, and I think they did some x-rays of his chest.  We relaxed and settled down to get some sleep - finally!  I meant to go up to the NICU in the early morning hours but I never did.  I wasn't ready to nurse him yet, afterbirth pains and all that.  And I was very tired.  I still feel bad for not going up, but they took care of him and it turned out all right in the end.  Around breakfast time they brought Nathan back to my room.  Everything looked pretty good.

I actually got to take a shower.  My grandparents brought Miriam and Liam to visit in the afternoon.  Then, by about 5pm we were on our way home with our little guy.  Yes, I wished I had an extra night in the hospital.  But being able to go home meant that we were all healthy, which was priceless.

Birth of Nathan

It really is something how every birth experience is different.

I had a lot of contractions for a few days.  One an hour and occasionally, every 20 minutes.  Early Sunday (November 17) morning, the contractions were every 6-8 minutes.  My OB had said once things had gotten regular not to wait to go in.  So I decided to get moving.  I was going off my previous birth experiences, when active labor had started with them they were fast. (Read Liam here and Miriam here) So Bill and I got the kids in the car, dropped them off at Brenda and Joes and headed into the hospital at about 4am.

Everything was so layed back.   Since my contractions were not particularly painful, just a bit of pressure, we were able to check in slowly. I was about 5cm dilated.  Once we got down to my room we got the IV started and my blood work off and I knew within an hour I could get an epidural.  Which was crazy to me, because I didn't feel like I needed it yet.  But, we were still expecting my labor to pick up all of a sudden, and I didn't want a crazy painful birth expereince either, so we went ahead with it. 

It took effect and we tried to rest.  I don't remember sleeping much.  At about 10 am they wanted to break my water, because my contractions were still about 5 minutes apart and I hadn't really made any progress.  I was a little nervous, but at 11 am I let them do it.  It made my contractions come more frequently, and I progressed to 7cm.   Also in this time we kept calling the anesthesiologist back down because my pain level kept going back up.   I was poked a prodded a lot as she tried to tell what was working and what wasn't.  I had pain meds pumped into me a couple different times.  It would take the edge off for a while (I got a 20 minute nap!) and then I would start to feel them again.

I don't remember what time it was that I was checked again and was still 7cm.  No progess.  I was afraid of this senario too.  What if I didn't progress? They started me a on a little pitocin at some point (another thing I was not very fond of).   The nurses were wondering if he was "sunny-side" up, or just positioned badly.   I'm thinking it was probably close to 3pm that we rolled me on my side and put this pillow thing my nurse called a peanut in between my legs, trying to encourage baby to move.  Soon enough, we could tell that he moved out of my right side into a more central position.

All of a sudden I felt what seemed like a really forceful kick (exactly the same thing that woke me up in labor with Miriam) and I had a contraction that was considerably more painful.  They had just given me a dumbed down version of the stuff they give people having C-sections, but it did not work!  My contractions got really hard.  I was pretty much hanging onto my husbands hands/arms  trying to breathe through contractions.  It was hard work!  I was sweating up a storm.  I really can't even begin to describe how difficult it was to work through those contractions.  I felt them in all their horrible glory.  I made Bill stand/lean just so the whole time.  He and all the nurses were very supportive, that much I know, but everything they said was sort of in the background.  I was also vaguely aware of all the activity going on in my room as everyone (I was the only gal on the delivery floor) was getting ready to deliver the baby.  The time in between contractions was a wonderful rest time.

Finally time to push the baby out!  I pushed through one contraction and had a rest, but I could tell baby Nathan was right there, ready to be born.  My doctor said, lets push him out on the next one.  I think I said  "Okay."  And I did! One benefit to that was being able to tell just how much farther we had to go and just pushing that baby out! They say he jumped out of there.  Amazing how as soon as he was born, all the horrible pain was gone! He had a great healthy set of lungs! They let him rest on my chest for a good long while.  Daddy cut his ambilical cord.

I guess it's true about the rush you get right after, because I really felt good!  We had his name picked out and written on the white board in the room.  Nathan Eisen was 6lb 14oz, 20 inches long, born at 3.55 pm.
My sister in law had reminded me many days before that it was all part of his story.  He is already his own person with his own little history.  We made it and he was healthy. 

*Part 2, recovery story coming soon!

Stationery Card

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I don't have enough

Yay, our baby is here!  He's got a story all his own for me to write another day.  He is doing well, except yellow with jaundice.  His siblings love him and try to be helpful with him.  I am adjusting and really wishing I could take more time off work then I am going to get.

With this first week of being home, I realized pretty quickly that I don't have enough. 

I don't have enough arms and hands.

I don't have enough hours in the day.

I don't have enough sleep.

I don't have enough patience.

I don't have enough composure.

If I were to analyze things in this way, I would find that I am lacking in just about every way.

The only thing I currently have is plenty of room in my heart.  That will have to be enough to make up what I do not have.

Pregnancy Update

November 15!  Only 15 days away from my due date.  Yesterday at my Dr. appointment he told me that I was 3 or possibly 4 cm dilated.  Still only maybe half the way effaced etc.

It creeped me out a little.  I've been having a difficult time with birth anxiety.  My random boughts of anxiety that I get normally with pregnancy have pretty much all centered on birth in the last couple weeks.  I went to Facebook and asked my friends (many of whom I know deal with more severe and more debilitating anxiety then I ever have) what they do.  Bless all of them for being so honest, forthcoming, willing to share and praying.  I almost feel like I don't deserve it, getting anxiety about (mostly) birth.  I mean really. 

Last night I woke up with some more painful contractions, but only 15-20 minutes apart for maybe 2 hours.  Then I was able to go back to sleep.  Interestingly, I feel a little better this morning.  Once of my friends was absolutely right.  Sleep helps preggo anxiety a lot.  Its not gone.  But the light is coming out and I do feel slightly better.

Dr. said that if I started having regular contractions not to hang around the house.  But we knew that!  He also told me, that at or after 39 weeks (so next friday or saturday), if I wanted, I could be induced.  He said, I bet we break your water, use a little Pitocin and you would have a baby in a few hours.  Since that describes Liams birth almost to a T (except I refused to let them break my water), I know he is right!

One thing I have noticed that is different this pregnancy is my lack of pregnancy "arthritis".  Both with Miriam and Liam I would wake up with sore still fingers in the morning.  I don't have it this time.  I keep asking about my blood pressure because with Liam that is why I was induced.  But it's normal.  Crazy how each time is a little different!

I look at my little monsters and I know that it is worth it.  I was so freaked out about being induced with Liam, but I remember looking at him right after he was born and being in love with him right away.  

These are my daughters drawings of our family.  I feel like she started drawing pictures overnight.  It's one of those things that makes me happy in the morning getting ready for work. 

Speaking of...time to go

Baby Shower #2

 Wow!  How is it that on my third baby I got multiple showers?  It might have been on account of my mother in law, who really isn't able to travel, but still.  Really nice of my sister in law and mother in laws friend Barb.
I have lots of other pictures from my other shower and things like Miriams armor to put up, but these were copied and pasted from Facebook and somehow that is easier then locating my camera right now!

 This bug was made by cousin Whitney out of the fuzzy pipe cleaner like things that were wrapping the prize gifts.  I might hang it in the babies room.

 Kids chowing down on some cake

 The cake before it was destroyed

 All the littles at the party.  6, 5, 4 (almost) 3 and 2.  haha

 Mommy with kiddos

Me at the table before it was taken over.

It was a nice shower.  Thanks guys!

I love a long weekend! Ups and Downs

Oh the last couple days.

Sunday, Miriam woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Bills mom had these muscle spasms that eventually landed her an ambulance trip to the ER (since she isn't ambulatory, it was the better option then trying to get her in and out of the car.  twice.).  It was hard for Bill.   He went with this dad to the hospital to be with his mom until things settled down.
              *on a side note, all those people that tried to encourage me to do nursing when I was going through some of my college crises.  I think I chose the right thing by NOT doing that.*
Missed my aunt and two uncles visiting in Spokane, which was fine, we needed to stay longer in Tri Cities but I was still bummed about it!

Monday morning, Liam cut himself with a pair of sissors.  Honestly, as silly as this may be, it made my whole day hard.  I felt bad about it.  He cut himself pretty good.  He's going to be okay and all that.

Birth anxiety!  I follow this Facebook page called Birth Without Fear.  There are some amazing stories on there.  Really.  But I've decided Birth without fear for me, right now = doing the best I can until I can get my darn epideral.  I also remind myself about having anxiety before.  The truth is, once you are in labor, there is no room for anxiety.  So that's good. 

Leg cramps that make it so I can't walk around!  They only happen when I am standing or walking (thank goodness).  They are starting to get pretty painful.

Tuesday.  Back to work.  

Trying to turn this around a bit.

Saturday.  I had a nice baby shower with (mostly) family.  We had a good time (sorry still have to unload pictures).  I also took a nap in the afternoon.  Liam fell asleep on my legs.  Miriam got to play with Grandpa.

Sunday (before the chaos)  I got to play bubbles with my kids outside.  Can I just say my daughter really is ingenuitive?  We had no bubbles so she made some and found a straw cap with a small hole to use as a bubble blower.  And it worked.

Monday, breakfast with my Veteran, who let me lay down for an hour or so.  Running some fun errands.  Spending time at my friends house.  We made bean bags for the birthday party this Friday.  I enjoy being crafty, even if it is cutting and filling bean bags. 

Tuesday.  Back to work. 

Kindergarden Halloween Songs

Miriam came home from Kindergarden with some little songs and rhymes this season

To the tune of I'm a little Teapot:

I'm a little pumpkin, Orange and Round
Here is my stem.  I grew in the ground.
When I get all cut up don't you frown (or shout)
Just open me up and scoop me out!


5 Little Pumpkins sitting on a gate
The first one said, "Oh my, It's getting late!"
The second one said "There are witches in the air!"
The third one said "But we don't care!"
The fourth one said, "Lets run run run!:
The fifth one said, "We're ready for some fun."
Out went the wind.
Then out went the lights!
And the five little pumpkins, rolled out of sight.

Small Miracles

Its a good idea to show more gratitude.  I get pretty caught up in things going wrong.  Maybe I'm a bit of an Eeyore?  But I would rather be happy. 

So in the last couple days there are a few small miracles in our life I have noticed.

First, I have my sons cold.  I am very congested.  Yesterday I was basically awake from 3 am on.  Part was the congestion and part was I was psychologically freaking myself out about waking up congeted and with a dry mouth.  I just generally get more anxious about certain (or random) things when I am pregnant.  I felt like I was going to panic last night on the way to Miriams birthday dinner because "I couldn't breathe at all through my nose, it was dark outside, and it was foggy and it was all pressing in on me..."  Luckily was able to calm down before that became an honest to goodness panic attack.   This morning, as I am typing to you, I am still pretty darn congested.  But I slept from about 10-5 last night.  I got a blessing, took a shower, used some Vicks, took some Tylenol, went to bed.  The first time I woke up with morning I even thought maybe the congestion was less.  But not since I got up.  Still I slept.  (Maybe cause I was exhausted but, still)  Thank you Lord.

Second, last weekend I bought a really expensive pair of shoes.  A pair of Dankso clogs.  This is a big deal for me because I don't like to spend 50 dollars on shoes, and if you know Dankso, you know they are MORE then that.  They had been recommended to me on Facebook when I asked friends about supportive shoes that I would not have to lean over and tie.  (Interestingly enough this pregnancy has been like that for me.  I actually bought myself new maternity clothes and was so thankful because they fit better and were SO MUCH more comfortable.  It was worth it!)  Back to the shoes.  So my husband encouraged me to go ahead and buy them.  I was hestitant because he just got let go from his temp job and our check engine light has been on for like, a month.  Monday, on my way to work, I noticed the check engine light was off.  It's stayed off all week.  We both agreed to watch it (I thought origninally maybe it came on because we were so overdue on our oil change.  But it stayed on afterwared) and we may need to get our brakes looked at still.  And maybe I've wondered some if God really cares about me having a ridiculously expensive pretty nice pair of shoes.  But still, I thank Him for taking care of one problem so I could have them.

Happy Halloween and Happy Birthday Miriam

So I got my sons cold. It wasn't horrible until late yesterday.  My congestion has been so bad I've been up since about 2:30 am.  I'm starting to wish I had cleaned up my house for the last hour.  Now it's time to get ready for work. It doesn't help that I have a hard time going back to sleep because I have unwarrented anxiety (pregnancy side effect for me) about not being able to breathe and waking up with a dry mouth.  Bummer. 

So really quickly... Happy Birthday to Miriam!  She turns 6 years old today.  I hardly have anything to say.  I don't know what to say!  She is kind and very ingenuitive, happy and helpful.  I love you Miriam!

And here are some pictures from Halloween!

This little kid was cute when he caught on to trick or treating.  "Tic Teat" he'd say.  And he has carried his pumpkin full of candy around all week long, loving the sugar.

Thoughts about Pregnancy #3

Maybe because I am in the middle of it, I feel like this is my hardest pregnancy yet. 

Not all because of pregnancy issues, although that is half of it, but because of other circumstanses in our life.

I have two other kids.  One who I still view as a baby, even though he just turned two.  So it's weird that I'm going to have another baby. 

I've been sick a lot.  Besides the fact that Liam and I seem to get everything under the sun, I had morning sickness that just never seemed to go away.  I felt like it did get better, and I just had food aversions.  Then I found out I have gestational diabetes.  It is controlled fine by diet, but I do think if I could do it over I would have asked to be tested earlier.  It may have been the reason I felt so bad so often.  That said, there are still days that I don't feel well after a meal (or all day long) that don't make any sort of sense and don't seem to be tied to me spiking my blood sugar (because I haven't).  I am 36 weeks pregnant and I still get queezy.  I have to say I never thought that would happen to me.

I have often reflected that these things are quite enough to be getting on with.  Then, in August, I went back to work.  I applied for my former bosses position, who had retired.  I knew I had a decent chance at it.  I was frustrated because I was not in a place in my life where I really wanted to go back to work.  I also was aware that we could use the income.  Bills temporary job at PAML ended on Halloween, earlier than we expected, so it's been helpful.  We actually have benefits and it is somewhat flexible.  There are so many things that went along with this decision.  I was a mess the two weeks before I started.  I am probationary for 6 months so fun times trying to figure out how to keep my benefits and have some time off.   What I learned about myself.  I have no problem with this job.  It does turn out that push come to shove I am not happier at work then at home.  (Its possible I'm not happier at home then at work either) and that if all things were equal I would go back home.  I did not grow up planning to be a stay at home parent.  So sometimes it surprises me that this would be my choice.

It's just not been an easy pregnancy friends!  I am very much looking forward to feeling like a human being, and being able to eat without getting sick.  I'm hoping the rest of my pregnancy goes well and that this little guy is a healthy baby. 

What up buttercup?

So much is going on for Miriam these days! She started Kindergarden with Mrs. Jaderquist and loves it!  Sometimes it can be hard to learn what she has done at school, but I really enjoyed picking her up after work and asking her about the things in her backpack.  It took a long time to find out, but I guess she's made a little friend named Gwen.  She has no problems going there.  She picks up on the routines right away.  It can be hard to get her to try new things like writing a lower case r instead of a big R.  I wonder if she does that at school?

This year she was a unicorn for Halloween and she wants a unicorn birthday party.  She wanted a unicorn birthday last year until a month before she decided she wanted pirates.  We are having a carnival birthday party with Gideon this year but I think I will try to have a unicorn pinata and another game so she feels happy about it.  I am so pregnant I wasn't going to plan anything, but I'll foot half the bill for this party and we can have lots of friends come.  We just found her Unicorn Stompeez from last Christmas, maybe she'll wear them at the party!

This summer Miriam got her first loose teeth (her two bottom ones)  when I discovered it she was very upset.  But she got used to the idea and got a new toothbrush from the tooth fairy.  Now she has two big kid teeth comnig in and I think she will be okay with more loose teeth.

For Miriam's birthday Daddy has been making her armor.  Since she will be 6 years old she can do youth combat (Boffer fighting).  She says she would like to do it and Daddy is supposed to help her practice.  Her armor is pink (sometime in the last few months her favorite color went from Blue to Pink).  with a pink helmet and pink sweater.  She likes it, and I hope she will like fighting like Dad does.

Fall leaves

The other morning I was getting ready to leave for work.  Liam wanted me to pick him up to look out of our bedroom window.  I put him on my knee so he could see out the window.

"Weaves" he said.

"Yes the yard has lots of leaves."

"Wellow"

"That's right!  The leaves are yellow!"

It was so cute.  I love that yellow is one of his first words/colors at that. 

I miss being here.  I miss my kids. 

It was hard to leave for work that day.

Liam turns Two

Liam turns 2!

2 weeks ago Liam turned 2 years old!  Amazing!  He's a pretty healthy little guy.  Still has some problems with runny bowel and runny nose.  I've put us on a probiotic and I think that helps both him and I. 

He was small at his appointment, 24pounds I think, but that has been pretty normal for him.  I don't think our doctor is worried.  Daddy is the one that took Liam into his appointment.  I miss being the one to do that.

In the last month or so Liam has really expanded his vocabulary.  He'll try and say most words, and what is even better, we can often understand them! 

He has learned the word "Mine!" which must come with being around other children so often.

He is daring!  He jumps off the couch.  He'll jump off the arm of the couch!  I'm afraid he might hurt himself one of these times.

He wants to do everything sister does! 

Sometimes we think he might be ready to use the potty but other times, its hard to say.  I don't push it!

He is a handsome, wonderful little person with a great smile!  I'm very happy he is part of our family.

What i miss about blogging...

What  I miss most about blogging might be looking back and seeing so many great things about our lives.   Since I started blogging in 2007, blogging has become something else.  This huge platform that you can share some expertise, create community and even make money!  And while I have tried to do some of that, and I wish I had something great to share, when I look back at my blog books the best thing is the memories.
Blogging is harder for me with two kids. Two and a half kids. And a full time outside of the house job.   Anymore the online world overwhelms me with its judgements and its perfection.  There are some great resources out there, but there is also a lot of opinion.  So I've been avoiding it as of late.
And I have tried to get back into my blog many times over the last few years.  So I make no promises.  But I want to look back at memories of my boys like I have of my daughter. As challenging as we feel our life is right now, one day, I may want to remember it.

So today is the first of October. I like October. Not to fond of cold though. I turned on the heaters.  Baseboard heating is scary with small people around.  Bill melted something plastic in our room heater, now I'm afraid the house is going to burn down because we missed picking something up!

Ups and downs

Well that only took about a week and a half. 

As of yesterday afternoon, I am exhausted and I just want to stay home. 

I can tell that in some ways my hubs feels like he has some freedom. All of a sudden he can take days off and it's not going to kill us (his job is completely non-benefited, non-leave earning, so it was always no work? Then no pay. And we've needed everything he makes.) Although in other ways I am sure he is busier, getting misread in the morning for childcare drop off. 

We work different schedules, blessing on the childcare front. But he gets off at 8pm and I am in bed at 9.

And I could handle being home with my kiddos. 

Oh well. Two more days this week. Early start today!

Day 4

So far it hasn't been a bad week.  I don't mind being at work when I am there.  The kids are still my kids and handling things well most of the time. 

Yesterday I had lots of "new employee" training.  Most of this was good, but I had a couple of extra meetings about "maternity leave" and the baby.

I left those last meetings feeling like a mess.  Like how I might have to pay my own benefits for two months because I'll have so little paid leave to use. (So any  money I can save for the next three months I probably need to pay insane amounts of medical)  I was planning on trying to work a few hours here and there within a couple weeks from baby, but I'm pretty sure they want permission from the doctor for legal reasons.  Athough they legally don't have to give me maternity leave because I haven't been there for six months, even though it would be unpaid, just like what I'll take anyway?  And in the end, I felt kind of ticked off that my baby is just this blip in the road.  This thing we all just have to get through.

So this morning just sucks.  I hate this and I can't believe I've got to go back to figuring it out!

Back to work

This is hard.   I don't even know where to start. 

I go back to work tomorrow.  I haven't worked full time in about seven years.  I've never worked full time with children.  I've worked.  I've worked 20 hours a week with weight watchers at one point.  I felt like every time my husband got home I was leaving again.  When I got pregnant I decided to quit doing that. 

Anyway, most of the times I've blogged in the last 9 months have been pretty downer.  I imagine myself as a bit of an Eeyore sometimes.  A pessimist.  I feel bad about it.  I think sometimes I like to express the negative because facebook is so filled with happy anniversaries.  I don't mind you expressing your love to your spouse on your anniversary.  But the long drawn out paragraphs about how your spouse is a "keeper" and how perfect they are...belong in an anniversary card to your spouse!  Not all over facebook.

Sorry, side tracked.  Just my opinion of course.

So, tomorrow I go back to work.  I was ticked off in June because I felt like my husband wanted me to apply for my former bosses job (she was retiring).  One day I said screw it, and I submitted an application even though I wasn't very happy about it.

There is much more to the story from there, but the short of the long is, I start tomorrow.  The last 12 days have been a roller coaster for me.  Feeling like a monster for leaving my children.  Wondering how I'm going to handle the addition of another person to our family in 3.5 months. Occasionally thinking to myself, "this is going to be okay.  I can do this."  I've been trying super hard to enjoy the last two weeks.  But some days I look at them and burst into tears.  I'm used to being there.

I know I have options.  And I know I don't *have* to do this.  But right now, I'm giving it a try.

The day after I go to Silverwood.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day. :)

Potty boy!

Yesterday Liam actually went pee pee on the potty TWO times!  He sits on the potty a often, but not much has been happening.  Yesterday, late morning, he was tugging at his diaper so I took it off and he ran to his potty and went.  Just like that.  Then we were getting ready for bed and I asked him if he needed to go potty too (he was watching me, joy of motherhood) and he said "uh huh" (Liam-ese for yes) and pulled his diaper off and daddy took him to the potty! 

Trying.to.get some sleep

Snuggling with a blanket Memaw made and hoping she's with me, it's been a hard day and tomorrow might be too!

The stupid circle of life

I guess I didn't blog last week.  Whoops.  The deal is pretty much.  I had a cold.  I am tired.  I don't feel well 30% of the time.  I probably did in fact have something to blog about.

Plus last week was dumb.  My grandpa went back into the hospital having had another heart attack.  And he had pnemonia and later they found some lung cancer (not a surprise for a pack+ a day smoker for 60 years but still).    The weekend we trekked down to the Tri Cities for an SCA event and fathers day.  Bill and Miriam camped one night and had a good time.  Found out that Bill's mom tipped her scooter one day the week before and was bruised up.  She started seeing double a couple weeks ago, had a head scan and found  a tumor (s?) in her sinuses/around her optic nerve.  Really awesome.  I talked to my Dad on Fathers Day and found out his Mom in law (my Memaw) had taken a turn for the worse.  She died on Monday.  I can't say I knew her as well as I would have liked.  And I was just this little step grandaughter, but she always remembered us at holidays and at Christmas and treated us like special people.  Family was important to her.  Plus I am mad at myself for not insisting that we find some way to go through New Orleans a year ago on our Trek from Georgia to the PNW, so she could meet our babies.  Nothing to be done about it now, just one of those things.

Okay, I'm exhausted from all of that.  So I'm going to hit publish.

Flowers

It's finally summer here.  I feel like it's finally hit us and it's going to disappear in the blink of an eye.  I use to pick strawberries in April in Georgia.  Here I am still waiting for people to bring them to the farmers market.  I don't dig bad weather and lack of growing season.  Welcome to the northwest.

I always liked to get pictures of the flowers in our yard. I missed the tulips here, but here is one of the irises.  We have red and purple.

Liam was checking out these rose looking flowers.  He likes to help in the yard.

Our lawn is going to die unless I figure out how to get the sprinkler system back on.  I bought some lilys at the store yesterday and some little flowers called stepables at BiMart to cover part of our yard.  My Dad and Dede had them at their house, in between their stepping stones.  I loved them. 

We have lots of edible stuff and I even found two lemon balm plants when we were out photographing flowers.  I just don't know what to do with it!

My pretty girl!

I'm tired

I am pretty tired.  Today that might be because my son woke my up at 5 and I could never get back to sleep.  Hello 6a.m.  The rest is pregnancy and energy levels being generally low. 

Two days ago I spend a lot of the day trying to reclaim my house from some of the mess.  Kids helped me pick up the floor and the kitchen (as much as they could stand I guess).  It's not close to done but I felt so much better stating out the day with a mostly clean floor.  Silly little pleasures I guess.

Yesterday I thought about my life as a parent to one child.  She was one year old.  We were living in an apartment in the south. I felt like it had taken me months, but I was into a pretty good routine.  There was almost no television in the house.  During nap time I had a chore of the day, plus my regular "pick up all the toys in the sun room" routine (since getting out all the toys and books in the sun room was part of our morning routine).  Then I would sit and coupon or read something until nap time was over.  I was cooking dinner at night.  Although I remember feeling like I was always stuck cleaning up in the kitchen until 9pm, which I hated.  

And looking back I'm thinking,  "what on earth was so wrong with your life? Nothing is what.  "

Now I've got two. It's messier, there is less routine, more television and I'm tired. 

There is nothing wrong with my life now either.  I'm just wishing for a little more control over my own space.  I think I'll even take perceived control over real control.  And maybe a regular nap time.  That would be a definite improvement.

Memorial Day

I was thinking about re-posting a post from Memorial Day last year, because it really sums up how I feel about memorial day and my gratitude for people living through some of the challenges that being in the military brings.  But yesterday, at an SCA event, they were doing toasts, and a gentleman got up to honor those who were part of the group that are or have served in the military.  He mentioned the time period that he was in the military (1960's-70's) and I thought about what it must have been like for him.  And I remembered a lady I met many years ago when my husband was deployed to Iraq.  I don't know if I've ever written about her, since this blog was begun later.

I was in the dressing room of the LDS temple.  I have no idea how we got to talking and how she found out that my husband was deployed overseas and that we had been students at Eastern.  She expressed her gratitude and told me how thankful for how different things were today.  Her husband had gone to Vietnam.  She had been left at home to single parent their five children.  During that time she decided to go get her Masters degree from Eastern.  I've often thought about this because of what must that have been like?  To be a "single" mom to five children, in an environment that was particularly anti-war, and treated soldiers that came home that way. 

And while we honor those that made the ultimate sacrifice, my mind rests on them, vets and their families that were treated like dirt because of doing what they were sent to do by their country. I hope we always remember that even when we feel like the cause is not just.  And I hope it doesn't happen again.  That we have no cause to treat a soldier that way, or try to extract guilt when there is already suffering (seen and unseen) we don't comprehend. 

So I seek to honor the dead and the living for their sacrifices today.

Decided over lunch

A friend of mine and I met this week for lunch. It was, in so many ways, wonderful (good food, nice break from kids, great conversation) and we got to talking about or long neglected blogs.  the short of the long is we decided to be accountability partners in blogging.  Once a week.

I know how much I've appreciated having a book of my blog I can look back on. But these will only be as good as the memories I write down.  So we agreed to set aside the expectations of being witty and great and just write about our lives, for ourselves.
already this week I've found it a little challenging to sit down and do it, which is why I am using the blogger app on my phone while my kids take a bath, completely ignoring the fact they are throwing water at the cat with their shovels.
Sometimes it might be one liners (see my posts for April). Or pictures! Next year when I am looking at my new blog book and remembering what it was like to only have two children I don't think I will mind.

Hard and wonderful.

Morning sickness is hard.  Having a cold stinks.  Getting a stomach flu is horrible.  Your five year old getting it...sad.  The 19 month old getting it, crying for hours and puking all over you...there really are no words. 

But when it's over you get to enjoy a sweet girl singing a song for you that she tells you is her favorite.  The sun comes back out and she plays for hours with the little boy across the street. ( and throws a huge tantrum leaving, ah well ).  You get to play catch with the little guy and tag/ race around the car.  Icing on the cake, morning sickness is almost gone.

Comparisons

So I came up with a new prayer today. A new mantra for myself. 

 Help me stop comparing.  

That is it.  I was thinking about my life and judgement and how to make decisions like how many children to have.  And I was thinking about God and love and decided I'd imagined conversations with Him all wrong. Here is me all this time imagining myself getting chastened or something.  " you really should have had more children.". But I was thinking about Christ and mercy and compassion and grace and realized it might be more like this.  " I know it was hard.  I know that you struggled with feelings of anger and depression.  I know you hate puke.  And I know you loved the children you had.  I'm glad you did your best."

So I got to thinking about making decisions and comparison.  Comparison isn't a way to make a decision.  Because no ones past and present, thoughts and temperament line up the exact way mine do.  The way and things I've been taught and the way I deal with information. I have similarities to others.  But the whole is different because I am unique.  

Even when it comes to my children. It's hard not to compare, just because as a mom I am learning,  but they are different! So it's easy to marvel and think "sheesh my daughter didn't do it that way! What do I do about this? " And maybe that isn't harmful ( as long as it's said in my own head ).  

But there is no place for comparison in my life,  the kind that fosters judgement.  If I can have less of it I hope to heal a little rift in my soul.  Bring me closer to God because I will be more like him.

Hop!

Yesterday Liam had his second haircut.  This one lasted much longer and he was very tired of it at the end.  But he looks very nice.  Poor baby still has a cough.  I wonder if it will ever end.  He's had it for 6 months.  He must think coughing is a way of life.  I don't know what to do. 
He likes to jump.  He gets very proud of himself when he jumps over cracks.  Every now and again he jumps off something higher, like a stool or a COUCH.  Which ends when he face plants on the floor.  He's going to be a little adventurer. 

Learning to whistle

Miriam is learning how to whistle. It is fun to hear her practice. She gets better at it all the time! 

I was at my grandparents Saturday.  I took pictures and video of my two children playing the piano, Miriam making doughnut holes with Grandpa, Liam playing piano with Grandma.  They are precious. still, I am sick with a cold and tired all the time and nauseated and cranky and I don't want another baby.  But I'm having one.  Everything is so extra hard right now for me. I am angry and impatient and sick. I want this part of my life to be over.  I keep trying to remind myself it will be. Luckily my grandparents are happy for us. Someone needs to be!

Watching another God-sized dream

A few years ago I started visiting this blog called The RedHeaded Hostess. She had really great ideas for studying the scriptures, which is what got me there to begin with. She had a lot of great posts about teaching gospel principles from a latter-day Saint perspective, and shared teaching ideas she had used with her teenagers when she taught seminary classes in Utah.  After reading her posts about making your own scripture study journal, I decided to start my own. 

It was a big step for me really, learning how to study the scriptures in a way I would remember, be able to write down my favorite scriptures and thoughts and have something to look back on when I picked up a subject after having set it aside for a while.  To some people it may seem obvious, but it changed the way I studied.

Over the last year, I've seen something really great happen for her.  She got a new blog/website design.  She started making and selling her own scripture journals.  The are many of them!  Study by Topics, Study by Chapters, Study the Names of Christ and more.  Recently she opened up a download shop, where they have pictures, posters, and activities for sale.

This is a God-sized dream that inspires me.  I don't think she ever expected so much when she started a blog.  But she had a gift for study and teaching and started sharing.  And we are all so blessed.

Lately, I feel so overwhelmed.  There are so many things crowding around my head, and I don't even know what I have to share with others.  I'm trying to keep up my prayers and asking God to help me clear my mind.  It's such a jumble and I just want have the courage to be where he wants me, when he tells me.  I think of the Redheaded Hostess, and I think, I just need to do a little thing that he prompts me, whether it helps a few or hundreds or just me or my family.  I'm walking through a fog.  I really don't know.  I'm just trying to let Him guide me and maybe He really will make more out of my life then I ever dreamed.

Don't Delay! Start Today!

Is it alright if I ask for a rather belated prayer request?  About two weeks ago my grandfather had a stoke.  My mom flew from her home and I from mine and we went to see our family in Idaho.

Let me just tell you how very thankful I am for my other grandmother (the one that lives near me) that helped me buy the ticket and watched my children when my husband went to work.  All so I could make this visit.

By the time we got there, he was doing much better.  His health is still not great, but the stoke damage was somewhat "minimal" and he went home a week later.  Still, if you can remember them, there is still support and healing that they all need.

I realized something there.   We struggle sometimes after the loss of my husbands job last November - thank heaven he is now working - however taking another pay cut has been the challenge.  Even so, I felt like...how can I possibly tie myself down to a job when what I need to do is be with them??  Does this sounds crazy?  I need to take my children to my grandparents while I still can!  And my husbands grandmother.  None of them have met my son.  I just felt like, none of this other stuff matters! (Okay, making enough money to pay our student loans matters, but you know what I mean?) They matter!

It may be a non issue.  I only occasionally apply for work.  I've had one interview that  I didn't get, which funnily enough I was a little bit afraid they would offer it to me.  I want something else for myself that I still can't exactly figure out.  Maybe it is to be able to be home.
__________________

In my first God-sized dream post I mentioned crochet and later about finding a partner in my friend.  Last week we bit the bullet and started a facebook page for our crochet stuff.  Finally just shelved the questions and put it out there.  You can find us by clicking the link above or searching for Knotty Apples on Facebook.  We also have a little "under construction" website at tackk.com/knottyapples

Without even knowing it, I did last weeks challenge to stop delaying and move forward on something.  I really don't know what God has in store for 2013 for me. My dream has just been something better.   For now, I am moving forward with this. Many of our Facebook friends showed us a lot of love in that first week.  It felt nice.  I'm thankful for them!

Fears and Truths

My fear is that I will fail.

Failure looks different at different stages of my life. maybe we can't pay our bills.  I sometimes worry about failing as a parent.  I fear that my crochet isn't cute enough, or that I'm not personable enough, won't learn quick enough, and on and on it can go.

Always, the real fear is that I will find out that I am not good enough. 

The truth:  I am a child of God.  I am the creation of a wonderfully perfect being.  He is endlessly creative, powerful, knowledgeable, and loving. 

He has given me gifts and talents. None of them are perfect, but all of them are mine, gifts he gave me to use on the earth. To better my life and the lives of others.

It doesn't matter if I fail. And I will sometimes, thanks for that reminder Holley.  What matters is that I pick myself up and keep moving forward (thanks Disney). 

16 months

I know I've already mentioned this... but I have to again, isn't this the best age ever??!  Okay, there are ups and downs, but my little guy is so incredibly cute!  And doing new things all the time

In the last month or so I've realized just how many words he understands.  He knows to look for his shoes.  He knows what I mean when i say - look behind you.  Where is sissy?  Stay back, the oven is hot! Daddy's home!

Where is mommys nose?  We're starting to know some basic body parts.  Especially nose and ears

He loves dogs.  Real dogs and hot dogs.  He says dog more than anything else.

I know i'm probably the only one that could understand, but he was trying to tell me what he wanted for breakfast while pointing in the fridge and the boy said "pancake."  I totally understood.  And that was exactly what he wanted. 

Speaking of dogs  his buddy Scout and the crib conversion to toddler bed are saving us at bedtime.  A lot less screaming going on...yay!

Signs please (with some prompting) and bath.  Loves the evening bath!

Partners

It's okay to have more then one dream running at once right? Because you are hearing about two different ones today...

One of my favorite things about participating in this is having random people come to my blog, read about this and leave a comment.  Seriously!  It's encouraging to me.  My blog has always been personal, for my family and friends, but over the last few years I've become such a sporadic poster I'm not sure even they read it anymore!  Still, I don't think that's the kind of "share with someone else" we were challenged to do this week.

So let me just tell you, i didn't really share with someone else this week.  I've been sharing along the way.  My husband knows that the goal was family prayer - it's been a goal of ours for a while really - and we've got bedtime prayer down pretty well.  It's still often a last minute gathering before one of us runs off to sit by the little guys crib while he goes to sleep.  But we do it!    My daughter often says "Wait we haven't had scripture!" if we are rushing to much before bed.  It would be nice if prayer could join the ranks.  How do we become enthusiastic about this?  Make prayer something meaningful and powerful that we can all see the difference in our lives, so that we don't want to miss it?

I ran into two other snags this week.  The first was our weekend trip to my in-laws.  We didn't have family prayer for those days.  The one night I tried I had really bad timing with a screaming 15 month old and just...chaos...so I sort of gave up on the gathering.  How do you maintain those family rituals when traveling?  The second is thinking ahead.  My husband is about to start a schedule in which he will be working into bedtime.  So, we have to make a change to have family prayer.  Who is good at morning prayer?  We've never been.  I think it's because we like our sleep. So morning can be a rush!

If you read my first God sized dream post you might now that my real "dream" for 2013 is just something better than 2012.  We ended up in a rather low place.  I especially have a dream for less financial stress and I know God has to help us on that journey.  Because I don't know what to do about it.  Although my husband is working again (yay!) we have a gap to make up.  Anyway, one of my ideas was to shelve the fear and make and sell some crochet.  I have a lot of fears and excuses (I'm not that good.  Lots of people crochet. Etc etc). And I don't expect it to make much, not that that is a big deal.   My friend Brenda, who knew how to crochet but hadn't for years, liked some things I was making and picked up a hook.  Sometimes we get together and work on a project.  It's fun.  And let me tell you, she is a machine.  She loves cranking out projects.  She got an extra benefit.  She hadn't weighed herself in a while, got on the scale and has lost 8 pounds!  She thinks it's because when she is sitting she is crocheting, not snacking.  I think that is fabulous.  And maybe there are some benefits to the things we do, that are of more worth then financial gain.

 

Little feel good about me moment

The last couple if days have been hard. Inexplicably frustrating. Not beyond normal but for some reason hard to tolerate. (except for when I found the cat peeing on the table on which I fold clothes.  Then the pee smell I can't get rid of made sense.  I was mad)

I've got a short temper.I want to be left alone. Ha! sometimes it's hard to be an introverted parent! my little children have been patient with me...mostly.

So today I took off to my friends house, and while the kids played I took on a new project.

Then I finished it. something I wanted to make, just because it was pretty. Something that I finished in (essentially) one sitting.

Then I put the finishing touches on that kitty beauty.

Today it felt good.

Still not as beautiful as the two children I made. :)

Increasing in Understanding :)

I love 14 months!  I really do.  One of the best things is seeing your little one start to understand, and then start to respond!

Lately you can:

Have a conversation with the little monster.  You can ask him a question and he'll tell you all about it.  And gesture.  And you may even catch a word you understand, like "go"

Understand his signs!  Very recently he says "please" and "bath"   It is exciting to be able to understand...a little!

Ask him, "where is your shoe?" and he will go look for it!

He has still been sick often, and is very attached to mommy.  One bonus to daddy being home so much is that he will now go to daddy almost as often.  Love seeing those boys bond!

Baby Steps

This last week was a SUPER busy week.  My husband worked a very crazy shift at his new job.  So when he wasn't there...he was asleep :) Poor guy.  I was in the middle/end of planning an open house for Weight Watchers.  Then, just our day to day was looming.

 I've been working through my thoughts about my word for the year: Dedication, while I work through Holleys book.  Day 9 I read:  "If we are taking on things that God never intended us to do, we're using time, energy, and emotion that's needed somewhere else."

What was in my life that was draining me of time, energy and emotion?

It wasn't hard to find.  It was that open house I was planning.  About two weeks into the planning, I did not feel dedicated anymore.  That was about when all the complaining started.  I'm sure I spent as much time complaining as I did planning.  Anyone that would listen, I told them the things that were crazy and frustrating.  Here's the kicker - I won't get paid for all the time I spent complaining. The only paycheck I got was to stir myself up a bit more.

The event itself - while it didn't go off without a hitch - was a very good event. We had a good turnout and  I felt inspired and motivated about lifestyle change, although a bit physically drained.  Maybe I wasn't "intended" to be there. Maybe the problem was all my attitude.  I took the work to get the extra hours that my family really needed.  And that is fine!  Next time, when I do something out of necessity, I hope I can keep my attitude positive. Take it one chunk at a time.  Stay dedicated.

My "God-sized" dreams?  I'm keeping a new zero balance budget sheet.  Brenda and I are crocheting together and I'm thinking etsy shop names.  My mustard seed goal was actually just to have family prayer once a day.  My husband had that crazy schedule and some nights it was just me and the kids.  But we're doing it!  I think these prayers, and my own are the most important thing.  This is how I will know if I am going the right direction.  This is how I will know when to make a change - or not!  But only if I'm listening.

I'm keeping it together for 2013 and seeing where the days take us.  Baby steps.

My God sized dream

"She knew that many were the plans in her heart but that Gods purpose would prevail" Proverbs 19:21

I was reading on one of my favorite sites a post about God-sized dreams. 

With resolutions and words of the year looming, I decided to think about my current God sized dream.

Many of you know the last year was something of a roller coaster ride for my family.

"Yes!  We're going home!"
"Come on house please sell, so we can get on our own"
"The house is sold, not even a short sale! lets move into another house, after all we're going to stay with this job forever!"
"I can't believe they really fired you."
"So umm...."

I feel like that sums up 2012, although there was so much more in between. Wonderful friends and family, a little boy that smiled and crawled and laughed his way through his first year.  A little girl that loved her preschool, played outdoors and gave lots of hugs. Leaving behind the best friends.  Moving close to our family.  Still, that job loss haunts every corner of my mind.  Every decision we felt we had already made, me staying home with out children, living in our small town, come into question.  I have to get past those.  What is my dream that I can only achieve by taking small steps? What is my dream that can only happen by giving God what I've got and trusting him to make something more?

*I wish I could give proper credit to this picture,
I saved it several weeks ago from a friends FB
page.  I never knew I'd be using it here!

My friend Brenda and I kick around the idea of starting a jumpy house/party place (her idea really I just jump on it) To me that is terrifying and unknown and worthy to be called a God sized dream.

I've thought about trying to sell some crochet and knitting stuff (cause I can only make my children so many hats).  To me, just getting the confidence is something of a God sized dream.  For some reason trying to sell my hand made stuff from a self taught craft feels like giving away a piece of myself.  And I don't want that piece of myself to face critisism.

What I  want even MORE then those?  What feels huge and impossible? I would like to get rid our  student loan debt.  To live without credit card debt (we're there right now, it's just a matter of staying there).  To be free of extra debt so that I could stay home, even when my husband loses his job and all of a sudden we are facing the prospect of living on half of the income we had just a year ago.  If we're lucky. To support my small children while they are still small, make a welcoming home for my husband, sell my crochet stuff for fun alone, rather then as a possible means to pick up a tiny bit of the slack.  Yes, that is my God sized dream.

I think it's going to take a few years.  I don't even know what it's going to take.  Besides a budget, and hopefully a more permanent job.  Discipline.  Me working for a while?  Possibly.

I don't know how it's going to work, what else we are going to face, or how we are going to work through it.  Every senario feels a little scary to me, a little impossible.  So I need God.  I need Him to direct me and guide me.  I need Him to help me let go of my judgement of myself. I need His help letting go of caring about what others think about my decisions.   I need support in being the best possible wife, parent, friend that I can be, whatever the circumstances are.

2013 is my God sized dream.

My superman

Some of you may know that while I don't read romance novels if you throw a little romance into a good story it's like am extra little hook for me. I'll want to know who "ends up together." guilty pleasure I guess.

So, I'm like a hidden romantic right? But I also sort of dislike Facebook statuses about how awesome peoples husbands are, or how "he's a keeper."  I've been reflecting on this and I think it's because I think  marriage is work. living with another person is hard. I love my husband. He is kind, he is a good father, he is thoughtful of me, and incredibly supportive if whatever goals I set in motion for our family.  I probably don't tell him nearly enough. But it's not like we dance around in perfect harmony here. You all know I like to be real.

Still,I have a break form and brag on him a little bit. His mom has had bone cancer for four years. we've been gone in Georgia for most of it. This is one of the reasons we jumped on "moving home." Right now "moving home" is a sore spot for me because everything is such a mess.  However, at the end of December his parents insurance stopped paying for his mothers care in a facility and she came home. We are very available right now and hubby wanted to help so down we went.

For eleven days, while his Dad went to work, my husband stayed home to take care of her. I'm talking butt wiping, catheter emptying, food making, throw up bucket emptying, help with whatever kind of care.

While I'm sitting there thinking, see world? I didn't become a nurse for a reason. He was just doing it. Being there when needed.

That is one of his good qualities. He will help with whatever you need. like most guys, he's no mind reader, but if you speak your needs and ask for help he'll do it.  

He's my superman.

*In the extreme likelihood that one of my parents is reading this (I am an only child) don't worry, if you get sick when you get old I will take care of you. I just can't promise to like it very much. mmmmkay?

Word for 2013

Last year I asked on Facebook what word my friends would pick if they had one to focus on for the whole year. There were so many great ideas! Balance, simplify, valient, faith, patience, health, and others. Then there were words I had in my own mind such as behold and peace.

I couldn't choose just one. Maybe this was the product of not having any clearly defined goals? So I put my 12favorite words in a hat and drew out one for each month. I put them in my planner and I tried to think and study that word each month.

It didn't go as planned. It was interesting to me how each word manifested in my life. Still, I didn't study much and by the end of the year I wasn't paying attention anymore.

Enter 2013.

We had a roller coaster of a year and I am looking to improve. This year we face some different challenges. I want to make some goals this time...but have one focus. So I asked again. Less responses, but still thought provoking to me. All of my friends had good words. But one stood out to me.

Dedication

I love it. I can do this in 2013. In any goal I make I can show dedication. If I am not willing to dedicate myself to it, then it doesn't need to be on my plate this year.

I want to show dedication to my spouse. I want to show dedication to my children. Regardless of changes I may have to make, like going to work (or not). I can show dedication to my family.

I want to enjoy myself, I want to grow. I can simplify the goals I have by examining the level of desire and dedication. I can put first things first.