My pretty girl!

I'm tired

I am pretty tired.  Today that might be because my son woke my up at 5 and I could never get back to sleep.  Hello 6a.m.  The rest is pregnancy and energy levels being generally low. 

Two days ago I spend a lot of the day trying to reclaim my house from some of the mess.  Kids helped me pick up the floor and the kitchen (as much as they could stand I guess).  It's not close to done but I felt so much better stating out the day with a mostly clean floor.  Silly little pleasures I guess.

Yesterday I thought about my life as a parent to one child.  She was one year old.  We were living in an apartment in the south. I felt like it had taken me months, but I was into a pretty good routine.  There was almost no television in the house.  During nap time I had a chore of the day, plus my regular "pick up all the toys in the sun room" routine (since getting out all the toys and books in the sun room was part of our morning routine).  Then I would sit and coupon or read something until nap time was over.  I was cooking dinner at night.  Although I remember feeling like I was always stuck cleaning up in the kitchen until 9pm, which I hated.  

And looking back I'm thinking,  "what on earth was so wrong with your life? Nothing is what.  "

Now I've got two. It's messier, there is less routine, more television and I'm tired. 

There is nothing wrong with my life now either.  I'm just wishing for a little more control over my own space.  I think I'll even take perceived control over real control.  And maybe a regular nap time.  That would be a definite improvement.

Memorial Day

I was thinking about re-posting a post from Memorial Day last year, because it really sums up how I feel about memorial day and my gratitude for people living through some of the challenges that being in the military brings.  But yesterday, at an SCA event, they were doing toasts, and a gentleman got up to honor those who were part of the group that are or have served in the military.  He mentioned the time period that he was in the military (1960's-70's) and I thought about what it must have been like for him.  And I remembered a lady I met many years ago when my husband was deployed to Iraq.  I don't know if I've ever written about her, since this blog was begun later.

I was in the dressing room of the LDS temple.  I have no idea how we got to talking and how she found out that my husband was deployed overseas and that we had been students at Eastern.  She expressed her gratitude and told me how thankful for how different things were today.  Her husband had gone to Vietnam.  She had been left at home to single parent their five children.  During that time she decided to go get her Masters degree from Eastern.  I've often thought about this because of what must that have been like?  To be a "single" mom to five children, in an environment that was particularly anti-war, and treated soldiers that came home that way. 

And while we honor those that made the ultimate sacrifice, my mind rests on them, vets and their families that were treated like dirt because of doing what they were sent to do by their country. I hope we always remember that even when we feel like the cause is not just.  And I hope it doesn't happen again.  That we have no cause to treat a soldier that way, or try to extract guilt when there is already suffering (seen and unseen) we don't comprehend. 

So I seek to honor the dead and the living for their sacrifices today.

Decided over lunch

A friend of mine and I met this week for lunch. It was, in so many ways, wonderful (good food, nice break from kids, great conversation) and we got to talking about or long neglected blogs.  the short of the long is we decided to be accountability partners in blogging.  Once a week.

I know how much I've appreciated having a book of my blog I can look back on. But these will only be as good as the memories I write down.  So we agreed to set aside the expectations of being witty and great and just write about our lives, for ourselves.
already this week I've found it a little challenging to sit down and do it, which is why I am using the blogger app on my phone while my kids take a bath, completely ignoring the fact they are throwing water at the cat with their shovels.
Sometimes it might be one liners (see my posts for April). Or pictures! Next year when I am looking at my new blog book and remembering what it was like to only have two children I don't think I will mind.

Hard and wonderful.

Morning sickness is hard.  Having a cold stinks.  Getting a stomach flu is horrible.  Your five year old getting it...sad.  The 19 month old getting it, crying for hours and puking all over you...there really are no words. 

But when it's over you get to enjoy a sweet girl singing a song for you that she tells you is her favorite.  The sun comes back out and she plays for hours with the little boy across the street. ( and throws a huge tantrum leaving, ah well ).  You get to play catch with the little guy and tag/ race around the car.  Icing on the cake, morning sickness is almost gone.

Comparisons

So I came up with a new prayer today. A new mantra for myself. 

 Help me stop comparing.  

That is it.  I was thinking about my life and judgement and how to make decisions like how many children to have.  And I was thinking about God and love and decided I'd imagined conversations with Him all wrong. Here is me all this time imagining myself getting chastened or something.  " you really should have had more children.". But I was thinking about Christ and mercy and compassion and grace and realized it might be more like this.  " I know it was hard.  I know that you struggled with feelings of anger and depression.  I know you hate puke.  And I know you loved the children you had.  I'm glad you did your best."

So I got to thinking about making decisions and comparison.  Comparison isn't a way to make a decision.  Because no ones past and present, thoughts and temperament line up the exact way mine do.  The way and things I've been taught and the way I deal with information. I have similarities to others.  But the whole is different because I am unique.  

Even when it comes to my children. It's hard not to compare, just because as a mom I am learning,  but they are different! So it's easy to marvel and think "sheesh my daughter didn't do it that way! What do I do about this? " And maybe that isn't harmful ( as long as it's said in my own head ).  

But there is no place for comparison in my life,  the kind that fosters judgement.  If I can have less of it I hope to heal a little rift in my soul.  Bring me closer to God because I will be more like him.