Ups and downs

Well that only took about a week and a half. 

As of yesterday afternoon, I am exhausted and I just want to stay home. 

I can tell that in some ways my hubs feels like he has some freedom. All of a sudden he can take days off and it's not going to kill us (his job is completely non-benefited, non-leave earning, so it was always no work? Then no pay. And we've needed everything he makes.) Although in other ways I am sure he is busier, getting misread in the morning for childcare drop off. 

We work different schedules, blessing on the childcare front. But he gets off at 8pm and I am in bed at 9.

And I could handle being home with my kiddos. 

Oh well. Two more days this week. Early start today!

Day 4

So far it hasn't been a bad week.  I don't mind being at work when I am there.  The kids are still my kids and handling things well most of the time. 

Yesterday I had lots of "new employee" training.  Most of this was good, but I had a couple of extra meetings about "maternity leave" and the baby.

I left those last meetings feeling like a mess.  Like how I might have to pay my own benefits for two months because I'll have so little paid leave to use. (So any  money I can save for the next three months I probably need to pay insane amounts of medical)  I was planning on trying to work a few hours here and there within a couple weeks from baby, but I'm pretty sure they want permission from the doctor for legal reasons.  Athough they legally don't have to give me maternity leave because I haven't been there for six months, even though it would be unpaid, just like what I'll take anyway?  And in the end, I felt kind of ticked off that my baby is just this blip in the road.  This thing we all just have to get through.

So this morning just sucks.  I hate this and I can't believe I've got to go back to figuring it out!

Back to work

This is hard.   I don't even know where to start. 

I go back to work tomorrow.  I haven't worked full time in about seven years.  I've never worked full time with children.  I've worked.  I've worked 20 hours a week with weight watchers at one point.  I felt like every time my husband got home I was leaving again.  When I got pregnant I decided to quit doing that. 

Anyway, most of the times I've blogged in the last 9 months have been pretty downer.  I imagine myself as a bit of an Eeyore sometimes.  A pessimist.  I feel bad about it.  I think sometimes I like to express the negative because facebook is so filled with happy anniversaries.  I don't mind you expressing your love to your spouse on your anniversary.  But the long drawn out paragraphs about how your spouse is a "keeper" and how perfect they are...belong in an anniversary card to your spouse!  Not all over facebook.

Sorry, side tracked.  Just my opinion of course.

So, tomorrow I go back to work.  I was ticked off in June because I felt like my husband wanted me to apply for my former bosses job (she was retiring).  One day I said screw it, and I submitted an application even though I wasn't very happy about it.

There is much more to the story from there, but the short of the long is, I start tomorrow.  The last 12 days have been a roller coaster for me.  Feeling like a monster for leaving my children.  Wondering how I'm going to handle the addition of another person to our family in 3.5 months. Occasionally thinking to myself, "this is going to be okay.  I can do this."  I've been trying super hard to enjoy the last two weeks.  But some days I look at them and burst into tears.  I'm used to being there.

I know I have options.  And I know I don't *have* to do this.  But right now, I'm giving it a try.

The day after I go to Silverwood.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day. :)

Potty boy!

Yesterday Liam actually went pee pee on the potty TWO times!  He sits on the potty a often, but not much has been happening.  Yesterday, late morning, he was tugging at his diaper so I took it off and he ran to his potty and went.  Just like that.  Then we were getting ready for bed and I asked him if he needed to go potty too (he was watching me, joy of motherhood) and he said "uh huh" (Liam-ese for yes) and pulled his diaper off and daddy took him to the potty! 

Trying.to.get some sleep

Snuggling with a blanket Memaw made and hoping she's with me, it's been a hard day and tomorrow might be too!